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Order foie gras while you can

Order foie gras while you can
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  • - October 27th, 2005, 12:29 am
    - October 27th, 2005, 12:29 am Post #61 - October 27th, 2005, 12:29 am
    Hey everyone,

    I know this is going to sound really strange, even crazy, perhaps, but I've come across a very interesting piece of writing which I feel I have to re-post here, especially given the weight and intensity of this whole Foie Gras debate. When I lived in Chicago, I would often go to spend some quiet leisure time at Goose Island (the piece of land, not the brewpub) to read or just sit and think. One day, I happened to make the acquaintance of one of the few remaining geese who frequented the island, an old-timer with more than a few miles under his wings and plenty of stories to share. I started seeing him every time I'd go to Goose Island, and bring bread and other treats for him to nosh on as he told me of his exploits from Canada (his home) to Florida (his migratory, second home) and every point in between. Well, it's been a long time since I'd heard from or thought about this handsome old bird, lovingly named Virgil "Gus" the Goose, until today. I got a call from a friend of mine who also got to meet Gus, and told me he had spotted him in Chicago, at an internet cafe, of all places. Somehow, he had gotten wind of the whole, heated Foie Gras debate here on LTH and decided, as he stopped in Chicago for a day or two on his migratory path down south, to actually try to post his story on the board!! My friend said he saw Gus dutifully, laboriously pecking away for about an hour with his bill and his gimpy webbed foot, only to see him give up just as he finished, apparently not being able to pick a suitable password for his account. Luckily, my friend raced into the internet cafe and saved his post, which he then e-mailed to me. Without further ado, I give you the rarefied, insightful words from my favorite bird, Mr. Gus da Goose. What he says just might surprise you...


    Hi everyone! I just flew in from remote Ontario, and boy, are my wings tired!!

    Quackedy, quack-quack, honk honk...!! Ahh, that one never gets old. Henny Youngman was an avid bird-watcher, you know. I miss the guy, too - we used to shoot the breeze at Aqueduct, and sometimes my buddies and I would "accidentally" be on the track at the wrong time and in the path of the favorite, clearing the way for Henny's longshot to come in. Always gave us extra bread for our help, and the whole-grain stuff, too, none of that Wonder bread crap. Ahh, the good old days.

    Anyway, I caught this little debate going on here about my species and the one little piece of us that you guys love (although, if you wanna chew on an organ meat, I got somethin' for ya! Honk Honk!!!). I gotta say...

    You humans are pretty goddamn silly. Listen, we gotta nice little operation goin here, you guys and us geese. We get to migrate down south every year in relative peace (me and the missus gotta nice little time share piece of lagoon-front property off of Brunswick, Georgia), impress you lame-brains with our fancy V formations (You joiks always make me laugh with your explanations for the pattern. Evolution, instinct... yeah, right. We decided on the V in 1932 at the convention in Miami Beach, in honor of Vic da Goose, the longest-lived and luckiest feathered SOB this side of Toronto. He was Capone's pet goose for a while, too... Ol' Alfonse would feed him some nice cannoli scraps out by the beach, and often say to his cronies, "I like dat boid...") and get to take a nice crap on a freshly waxed car (yeah, we geese know which ones they are... we're geese, but we got eagle eyes... HONK HONK!!!) or on some kid's head once in a while. In exchange, a few of us boids draw a lottery to see which ones of us get sent to the farm every year to get fat for a while and then give up the ol' pipe cleaner for you fat bastards to suck down in some kooky reduction sauce. Not a bad deal, especially when you see what goes on with our fine feathered (but really stupid) chicken friends, swimmin' in their own muck at the Purdue plant in Maryland (we boids call it "Duckau") or with the yearly Turkey round-up you guys do to honor all the Indians you killed. Yeah, good logic, homo sapiens... anyway, dis whole goose liver thing (or however you say it in Frog) is bad for business. Take away our nice, fat, juicy livers, and soon, people are gonna start thinkin "hey, what good are geese anyway?" Before you know it, no more goin south, no more free rides and easy livin at the racetrack infields, no more artsy-fartsy documentaries about us (yeah, yeah, I know... you called it "Winged Migration", I call it, "there's two hours and ten bucks I'll never see again...and we ain't exactly talkin about a lifespan of a tortoise over here...). Believe me, we geese got it good (especially that part you guys made up about our name meaning the same thing as a pinch on a girl's tuchis... HONK!!). Givin up some livers every year to keep the peace ain't such a bad price to pay, believe me (ever see how they Kosher kill a cow? I mean, I'm Jewish, and that even shkeeves me out...). So, if you stupid freakin humans can get together, have a vote, a town meeting, a war, whatever the hell it is youse guys do to make a decision for the species... let's let dis liver situation just quietly die down, ok? Believe me, I speak for da geese at large on dis matter. We geese will live to fly in V's and crap on cars another day. Ok, gonna get back up in the jet stream and high-tail it... there's a boat show in Hilton Head that I've been savin up all week for, if you know what I mean!! HONK HONK!!! Oh, and if you see that putz, Hungryrabbi, around, tell him he owes me 20 bucks and a semolina bread from D'Amato's for the Notre Dame-USC game. Notice how that ball seemed to get awfully slippery all of a sudden when Matt Leinart fumbled with 10 seconds left? Ever hear the expression, "like crap through a goose??" What, do I have to spell it out for you morons? See ya next Spring at Arlington and Go Sox!! (Though I must admit, I'm partial to the Yanks, what with Goose Gossage and all...) HONK!! HONK!!

    -- Gus Da Goose