I have just finished reading an excellent new biography about the life and death of Lou Gehrig entitled “Luckiest Man” by Jonathan Eig. No, I didn’t buy it at Costco, and while I highly recommend it to any like-minded baseball fans, the accounts of Larrupin’ Lou’s harrowing descent into the abyss of ALS are difficult passages to read. Among the many later-stage symptoms of this insidious disease is an inability to swallow, which for Lou must have been especially disheartening given his voracious appetite and love of sein Mutter Christina’s German cooking. Lou’s plight was one of the things that crossed my mind as my throat began to swell shut while at Costco yesterday.
I suppose I can identify with what Gehrig went through more than most people who don’t have ALS. A lifelong tree nut allergy manifests itself in a similar way once I’ve made the mistake of ingesting walnuts, pecans and most of their histamine-inducing brethren. Yesterday, the familiar signal—an itching sensation inside my mouth—began while pushing my cart past the Great Wall of Cooking Oils. Staring down with growing alarm at the empty sample cup in my cart, I pulled a u-turn and headed back to the helpful Sample Senior who had initially seduced me with her come-on for greens salad tossed with one of Newman’s Own delicious salad dressings. Bells sounded loudly in my head as I read the front of the bottle: Newman’s Own Light Raspberry &…Walnut. I now noticed the front of the serving cart was festooned with all manner of red advisories gravely warning of allergic reactions at hand for those affected few who were stupid or careless enough to partake of these particular offerings. Paul’s handsome smiling face seemed to mock me from the bottle’s label…the smug son of a bitch and his damned charitable endeavors had probably cooked my goose. I stumbled away from the cart, feeling like Edmond O’Brien in “D.O.A.” after learning that someone with murderous intent has slipped fatal poison into his drink.
I plotted out the route to Good Shepherd hospital in my head as I wobbled up toward the front of the store, but I was already feeling a little calmer, as it was clear that the reaction was not coming on in its usual violent way. The swelling in my throat had already plateaued, coming nowhere near its usual point, which I liken to trying to swallow a peanut butter coated ping-pong ball. Still feeling awfully sick, I veered off into the Pharmacy in search of Benadryl, the intravenous delivery of which is usually the first line of defense upon arriving in the E.R. after past encounters.
So, to the list of what others have mentioned as Costco essentials, I will now add Kirkland-branded diphenhydramine hydrochloride—generic Benadryl. Something like 200 tablets for under $4. I forced three 25mg tablets down with a few sips of Kirkland bottled water right there amid the gross-count boxes of Prep H and Metamucil. I felt confident enough in my recovery that I was able to proceed through the checkout and the exceedingly thorough receipt check on the way out. As always, the thought occurred to me that if Costco receipt checkers were in charge at the security checkpoints in our nation’s airports, no-one would think twice about terrorist threats in the air.
Back home again, before succumbing to blissed-out Benadryl sleep, I went to
www.newmansown.com and learned what had probably saved my bacon. The dressing was vegetable oil based, and contained “2% or less of: walnuts.” I am among the fortunate afflicted few that can tolerate trace amounts of the allergen with little serious effects. If it had been made with walnut oil, things would have turned out much differently. Be careful out there. Costco giveth, and Costco taketh away.
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